The Ladies and Escorts Bar is reeling from shock-gasp revelations that three hugely well-known professional lasses recently pleasured one another with the aid of “strap-ons.” CaseLoad, who has met the three ladies in question, gives an assurance their secrets are safe with him and CaseLoaders everywhere. 

“Tell us CaseLoad, speaking as the Man of the World that you are,” quizzed Our Man At The Bar. “What’s all this fuss the sniveling scribblers are diarrhetic about over  three sheilas being in the sack together? I well remember when the weather was a lot colder we all used to huddle up in the scratcher. All shapes, sizes and whatnots. That was before it was outlawed by the Police Offences Act, of course. Had to pull your  Hurunui horns in too, I’ll bet, ye wee scunner…Damned wet blankets… Now, if I’m not mistaken, you know the names of these sheilas that are doing the rounds of the gossip sheets? And jolly fine sports they are too, if my memory serves me right. Caught one of their performances in the closing stages of a Bar dinner a couple of years back…bit too energetic for my liking…Anyway, CaseLoad, please explain references to ‘strap-ons,’ if you will…Is this gadgetry in the vein of a cricket box? A truss? Is it something one would wear on the head? Under judicial robes? Watching telly? On the bus? Once strapped on where do you put these appliances? C’mon, CaseLoad, show us the snaps again…Oh, look…Hmmm…Oh…Can’t see what all the fuss is about, d’you? Live and let live, I say. Strap another round on his tab, Miss…”

Meanwhile bidding is about to open to keep out of the papers the names of a lady news executive who once notched up sex in a squeaky new ambulance and that of a be-spectacled roué witnessed despoiling a high-rise boardroom table with someone else’s betrothed. Why do folk spread such tales?