Winkling himself from his velour padded leaner in the Ladies and Escorts Lounge Our Man At The Bar (OMATB) made passage by steam waka to that veritable pearl of wanton excess and nudey beaches Waiheke Island.
The Waihitian
First stop was in Surfdale where the doors of Waiheke’s quietly unfolding secret - The Waihitian – were flung open early (2 pm) just for OMATB’s entourage. Owned and operated by Sky tv installer Tony Hoskins and fashion photographer Monty Adams The Waihitian is a simple but fabulously tasteful little hideaway, resplendent with a fast-growing outside courtyard topped by a giant pink plastic palm tree that glows in the dark.
A recent addition to the island’s bar culture The Waihitian – famous for well-priced cocktails (try a Surfdale Sally or four if you dare, my dears) comes complete with a couple of in-house pooches and a pair of black moggies.
Location: tropical garden setting. Bar: DB bottled range, Bombay gin, good wines, no draught, adequate. Price: $10 cocktails. Service: laid back and chatty. Up: broadminded and cheerful. Down: Can’t think of any except it lets kids in.
On a return visit on Easter Sunday, when childless fun-loathing Presbyterian’s play God, business was brisk at The Waihitian. Tony and Monty were flat out cooking up pizzas and other edibles to satisfy the law’s quaint quaffing requirements. Top marks again.
Island Queen
Uptown now to Waiheke’s capital Oneroa and a grand old lady the Island Queen. OMATB harrumphed about the gentle ramp to this balconied haven overlooking the bay beyond but perked up quickly when taking in the broad vista of bronzed boobies parading in the street below.
“Ah’ll have a couple o’ them,” he spluttered, waving towards the Monteiths taps. The IQ is a popular locals hangout and is the spiritual home of the exclusive PAFO (Pissed And Falling Over) Club.
It comes with a smokers’ corner and excellent view of the annual trolley derby finish line.
Location: a little weary but welcoming indoor-outdoor lounge and dining room. Bar: well stocked, Bombay gin, good wines, two Monteiths taps, adequate. Price: $42.50 for two lots of fairly meagre fish and stringey chips with tiny salad, including one handle of beer ($6.50) and one glass of iced water. Service: friendly but slack - had to go and order at the bar and find own cutlery while staff debated who was on the 4 o’clock shift. Up: Some comfy sofas and excellent location giving sumptuous views of passing talent, interesting patrons. Down: slow service.
Malones:
“Stop poofying aboot and get me Guinness,” OMATB roared, squeezing himself into the back of the 4x4. Without further ado we ambled down the wee path to Irish-woman Ita Malone’s no-frills pub, the aptly named Malone’s. All Malone’s has in common with its neighbour The Waihitian is a fence.
Malone’s is a dingy pub where jokers appreciate the views sheilas disclose while bending over the pool table and smokers are welcome. World famous for its giant pies, late night meals, happy hours, karaoke and “Eedgit of the Week” photos, it stands alone in an island crawling with wine bars.
Location: sheltered garden with “Keep Off” signs on the trees. Bar: Guinness and Bombay, nothing else matters. Price: a Malones VIP Card gets a Guinness pint for $6.50 and feed for $10 (ask staff first). Service: cheerful and no fannying about. Up: everything. It is said everyone finds their way to Malone’s at least once a week. Down: doesn’t open early enough and kids have been detected in the bar.
Unfortunately a return visit to Malone’s on Easter Sunday was greeted with a super surly and supercilious approach by a new barman who proceeded to rattle off chapter and verse about why we could not get a drink without ordering meals.
OMATB’s bewildered party of Satanists, claiming religious persecution, left in disbelief and went next door to The Waihitian, where they had a good time.
Cats Tango Is A Place To Avoid
A few weeks ago this bar, then one of two in Onetangi, was known as Dave McCabe’s Saratoga Beach Bar. Then it served Dave’s fine locally-brewed pale ale. He is well known around the Auckland pub scene having, among other things, mine-hosted the famous Margarita’s in Elliott Street and a cowboy-themed bar off the waterfront.
Shaken by having to buy his own this time (buckets of it were free to scrounging media hacks at Waiheke’s recent wine and food festival) OMATB gives this brew the thumbs up for now. OMATB was going to give this place the nod of approval however things have taken a turn for the worse.
An outfit from up the road called Cats Tango has since moved in and OMATB reckons this is now one of the worst places he’s had the misfortune to patronise.
For example: on Easter Monday afternoon this bar – now monopolistically the only one in Onetangi, was doing good trade
God knows why. There was only one draught beer available on tap (not McCabe’s pale ale) and a big sign above the bar announced that some food was off due to demand. In other words blame the customers for us running out.
A sign on the bar declared a 20 percent surcharge would be imposed because it was a public holiday.
A dead-eyed, slack jawed foreign barmaid asked indifferently? “Yes, can I help you?”
Questioned as to why the surcharge was 20 percent and not 15 percent as most other licensed premises appeared to charge, brought an even dumber response.
Another foreign barmaid, a blonde, said something about it being the manager’s decision.
When the beers were poured OMATB insisted that, if he was paying 20 percent more, the glasses be filled up. Which, reluctantly, they were.
Service was slack and indifferent. They charge too much and during OMATB’s visit he saw no attempt by any of the staff to wipe down any tables.
To put it bluntly Cats Tango is a place to avoid.
That’s all for now but watch this space for more useful consumer tips from Our Man At The Bar’s imbibing panel.
Good bar locations as well as those to avoid are welcome to jockanderson@xtra.co.nz
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