Uncensored transcripts leaked to CaseLoad of the goings on in the Supreme Court are a wonderful means of tracking value for money from a judicial time and motion perspective. But what if, when the courtroom harrumphing is over, and the parties have gone their separate ways, someone forgets to turn off the microphones and the tapes keep running? An exclusive clip has come to hand from the miles of un-edited tapes chewed up by the Supreme Court’s deliberation of a case that now allows disgruntled clients to sue the breeks off barristers for bad workmanship (See CaseLoad’s September 11 and September 27 stories).

The scene is the Court’s mobile canteen parked on Wellington’s Pigeon Park. Justice Tom Gault is whacking golf balls out the caravan door. Sir Kenneth Keith left early to catch a plane to Holland. Justice Ted Thomas looms over Justice Andrew Tipping, who is cowering in a corner beneath the microwave shelf. Chief Justice Dame Sian Elias plays mother.

“Now see here, ye snivelling wee Formalist,” Big Ted growled, poking his paw into Sultry Sian’s last honey puff. “If it wisnae for me, we’d all be oot o’ work. Ah’m fair fed up with you Andy Pandy and all ye’re fancy chatter aboot wanting more rules and formulas.” Andy squeals as Big Ted’s boot finds his nether regions. “Let’s see if I got it right. You want a rule that would protect incompetent briefs from being sued if their long-suffering clients had been convicted? So if all the wee boxes were ticked we beaks would have nowt to think aboot? What’s come over ye, man? Didn’t ye try to pull this one in the Hoskins Affair? Who put ye up to this damned fool notion, eh? Sounds like you’ve been sleepin’ with the enemy, laddo.” Andy winced as Big Ted’s scalding Two Minute Noodles slopped out of the microwave. “Hud yer weesht,” snarled Big Ted. “Ah’m no finished wi’ ye yet…Tak’ that, an’ that…”

“Och,” rumbled Sultry Sian, dookin’ her Digestive. “Can you bairns no play withoot squabblin’ for once? Away outside wi’ ye and gather up Tommy’s balls…”